Dear Man of 1,000 Thoughts,
What is the meaning of life?
– Ant Man
Mr. Pym, Rudd, Anthony…whatever you’re calling yourself these days, I’m not immune to the colorful, attractive nuances of idealism. Just a few days ago I was determinedly aloof; trapped too deep in thought and brooding over the difficulty and misfortune of my existence. Then, as I stared down the darkness, face up on my bed, I had a romantic thought. Sure, I’m working part time for minimum wage while going to school and trying to afford rent and food. But besides people having it worse than I do (they really do), I decided it would be fun to simply change my perspective. I was looking at these things as negatives when I could look at them as…something else #Arrow.
I’m going to school and I’m days away from graduating with a Bachelor’s. That’s not even something I dreamed of a kid. I’m a first generation college student, and college wasn’t an idea for me until my junior year of high school. I have a part time job that I’m using to support myself. I am completely supporting myself through my own efforts and living on my own. That’s powerful if I stop to really think about it. If I weren’t doing these things right now, it would mean I’m not on track to graduate and I’m living at my mother’s place with no job. I am making the bare minimum work, and that’s impressive. How long will these thoughts last? I don’t know. Like I said, I’m not immune to idealism. It’s my favorite way of looking at things, but I’m not sure it’s my natural thought process. I fear that at heart I’m a cynic and try not to think about the crude reality. I’m afraid that I mask the pessimism with forced ideals because I totally hate being a downer; it’s lame. Sometimes these things seep through. The same night I twisted my view on my life, I thought about my death. To me, the scariest thing about death was always that I’d no longer exist. That’s really just a bummer. As much as I hate my life sometimes, I definitely always want to exist. I’m not trying to get into a theology thing here. If you’re on board with an afterlife idea, that’s totally cool. I’m not completely sold on the atheism bit and I like to keep my options open. I’ve seen too many sure people look too stupid too many times to say I know for sure what’s going on in this universe.Anyway, the scariest thing about death USED to be the (potential) concept that every part of me is done. My consciousness is gone. There’s nothing.
As my life went on and I got to experience the depressing reality of 2015 society and what’s standard in this world, the idea of nothing wasn’t bad. There are times when it sounds absolutely wonderful and peaceful. But I was in bed that night and thinking about my death and came to a personal realization that the scary part about death is we’re separated from our loved ones and we never get to be with them again. It was and is absolutely sadder than my 999 other thoughts.
Again, if you’re chill with that afterlife game then more power to you. I am forever jealous of the people who are comfortable not with their mortality, I’m okay with that, but with their existence. And I guess that’s where we land on your answer. There is no meaning of life; there’s a meaning of your life. At least, that’s the one that should matter to you. Maybe there’s like a meaning of the general existence, too, but who gives a shit?
Everyone’s life meaning is not the same. Some people have theirs come easy to them, and they know from a young age and can pursue their passion their whole lives. Most of us are not that lucky, but it’s okay to not know and have fun until you find something. You don’t wanna spend all day digging turds out of your ass. Just have a good time.