I will never be able to un-hold your face in my hands and un-look into your eyes. You were your gaze, the dilation in your eyes because I was your drug, your joint. I will never be able to un-feel your breath on my face or your hand on the small of my back. I wanted to lie in your arms forever because you felt like everything a companion should. You felt like my blanket, the sunkissed warmth that I desired. You were the fire that raged within, hotter than that day in summer. You were the maze I got trapped in, the every kiss that should have been the last until next time.
I was the heart and you, the dagger. The indefinite limbo of nothingness into which I was pushed. They say time heals all but it is months since I last heard from you. I have turned the hour glass back one thousand years to count down to when you’d leave my mind, but the last grain still has not hit the bottom. Time is said to heal, is it not?
I thought I’d finally forgotten about you. I was doing so well for myself. I had expended my aggression into my work ethic. I was unstoppable, my own world. I look so good on paper but I want to roll up those accomplishments and smoke the bane of my existence into pure oblivion. I’d leave just a cloud. From that cloud would pour out all the feelings I have felt because of you, but those would inevitably trickle back into me. Into my world. You are most certainly not forgotten.
My feelings are feeding on the answers I know I will never receive. I won’t know why you left me or why I was not worth it. I will never get my closure. I will never hear from you again and that is the closest thing to closure I will ever have. The pendulum of axes swings between my heart and mind. Chop, and chop again. Chopping me down. In attempting to seek answers that are forever lost, I am wounded.
I must move on. Yes, I can entertain every possibility of you but that won’t change what is. Engrained in me are not the tears I’ve shed, but instead the aftermath of creativity that has dawned since your exodus. I am bright, I am intelligent, I am Shiny. I’ll always be Shiny and the questions of the night that try to bring me back to you will never dull me down.
Despite that all, you have a claim to me, a piece of me, a right to say you shaped me. I will never again be who I was before knowing you. I do not think you loved me and I will never know if you did, but you helped me believe, for a moment, that I was worthy of loving. Never again will I reach a comfort with you that allows me to ask how you are. Regardless, I wish you well. I know I will never be able to do much, but here is me showing you what I can do. I can swallow my pride. So, I thank you, sincerely, for helping me become someone I am proud to be right now.
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