I have frequent talks with the Man Of 1,000 Thoughts, Dakota Sarantos, about being right. When I say being right, I mean it in the broadest sense possible. The wisest person I know is Doug – a man that’s a tad older than 50. The most logical person I know is Dakota. In life I find that people are either intellectually incompetent or over-thinkers who ignore the core components in problems. When The Man Of 1,000 Thoughts answers questions, he talks as though the answers were obvious. It’s not like he has a condescending attitude, but the answer was actually in front of our faces the whole time; we just didn’t think clearly enough.
Our talks often analyze gender differences when being right. And quite often we draw the conclusion that men take accurate measures to be considered right. No, I swear we aren’t biased. And yeah, I witness some outliers.
Men have a greater percentage of muscle in their body while women have a greater percentage of fat. Men have a lower life expectancy rate than women. Women use empathy and compassion when critically thinking while men use logic. These are facts that represent the average population. Now let’s use facts to draw conclusions.
We’ve never had a woman president. I find that disappointing. I am extremely curious on how she would manage our country after the wow-factor of being female wore off. I predict that she would do a better job on average than our past presidents (except FDR and JFK; they’re anomalies that exemplify immeasurable success). Occupying the Oval Office is not a clear-cut, logical position. Sometimes you need innovation when trying to bring a nation out of debt or improve diplomatic relations. I feel like a woman’s brain would excel in these areas and would improve our country.
But what about that classic relationship struggle where both individuals claim they’re right? Let me tell you right now, if the man is claiming he is right, then he is dead wrong. When looking to resolve a conflict, a man should know that even if he supplies undisputed proof for his argument, he will never be granted a simple victory. Nor will he be able to end a petty debacle effectively if he continues to portray he’s right. For example, the other day my girlfriend and I were making cupcakes. She was doing most of the work, but I was helping where I could. Soon enough they were out of the oven and cooling on a dish. She told my friend who was in the room that the cupcakes could not be eaten until they were frosted. Not hearing this, I picked one up. My friend warned me but I only laughed in their face and tossed them a cupcake. To my surprise, my girlfriend came out of her room furious. I hadn’t seen her this furious since one of our first dates. I argued with her that it wasn’t a big deal and she should stop overreacting.
Then clarity hit me like a sack of bricks.
The whole I’m right thing never gets solved. These specific problems are normally solved when significant others express their opinions and agree on a common ground (negotiating on a level of thought rather than a plan of action). I use the term negotiating rather than collaborating or accommodating because negotiation involves both parties not being completely satisfied. Accommodation is giving up your wishes to comply with your partner while collaboration is coming up with a perfect solution that fits all wants/needs. So I use negotiation over the latter two terms because they do not apply when you’re having the “I’m right” discussion. Both genders are steadfast when it comes to the satisfaction of their point being recognized and accepted.
In my situation, I acknowledge my girlfriend’s argument: the cupcakes were not complete therefore they should not have been eaten. I understand she had the right to feel that way because she put effort into them. Feelings do not oblige to logic. I can present a Supreme Court favorable defense but it won’t change the way she feels. BUT WHO CARES, THEY’RE FREAKING CUPCAKES. So I gently kissed her and told her she was right. I said this with authenticity and without sarcasm. She accepted this and after a few minutes she was back to normal. I succeeded in ending the frivolous argument while she had the feeling of righteousness. But she was only right on record because I knew that the whole thing was illogical. Remember the key differences as to why this situation is classified as negotiation. She failed to realize the silliness of the argument. Instead of correcting her thought process, I gave up the idea of a perfect solution. But after analyzing all of the aspects, I didn’t mind her not realizing I was right. As long as the topic was put to rest, I’m happy.
Using my newly acquired knowledge from my people management class, I was able to diffuse tension within a matter of minutes. However, this situation could have been totally avoided. I’m sure most are thinking, “If you didn’t eat the freaking cupcake none of this would have happened.” Although that is a generally correct statement, I was unaware that my actions would provoke such a passionate response. This response could have been constructed more appropriately. Had she declared a detailed point of view such as, “You ate the cupcake before it was completed. This makes me upset because I put hard work into making them. I’m also upset because I don’t feel the same sense of accomplishment that I would have if the cupcakes were finished. I know nothing is perfect, but that’s what I strive to do while baking. I would have to ask that you respect my wishes and not eat my unfinished baked goods next time,” there wouldn’t be an argument. She would be entitled to her way because she fully expressed her feelings and a plan of action. Feelings are never right or wrong, they’re feelings. When you use feelings to argue a point, however, you may find yourself at a loss because you also need fact and logic.
So you may be asking how to avoid a situation like this for yourself in the future. My experience might not speak to your experiences so we’ll refer to an additional problem and solution. Ladies, feel free to take this advice as well because we’re all people that should continuously seek self-improvement.
A friend recently came up to me with a problem. He said he saw his girlfriend in extremely short-shorts on someone else’s Snapchat story [picture-based social media]. Being male, we tend to get angry with this because we know how other males think. Other males will look at these pictures with lust. And like in the cupcake situation, feelings are feelings. It’s not right or wrong that we feel this way, we just do and it has to be accepted. This is true weather you’re male or female. It’s just the way we work.
What’s the solution I gave to my friend? Let’s first evaluate the alternatives. He can tell his girlfriend not to wear this type of clothing. This solution isn’t reasonable because that’s stripping her of her freedom, which is controlling. A big no-no. He could ask her to talk to the person who originally posted the photo. This isn’t the smartest idea either. Although it may seem like a clean solution, let’s remember how our counterparts think. It may not be a problem for my friend, but then his girlfriend and her friend might get into an argument causing drama and possibly stress in my friend’s relationship. So the answer I supplied is nothing. Sometimes we just have to accept situations the way they are. And that totally sucks, but remember, someone always has it worse than you. Gain some self-awareness, suck it up, and deal with it. If you truly have a problem with something that shouldn’t be bothered with, you can bring it up. Usually this type of situation has a habit of reappearing. The only solution for you might just be to move on with your life to find actual happiness.